Intercepted memo on the Dems' strategies for the mid-terms?

 

From: Speaker Pelosi
To: Top House Democrats--EYES ONLY, DO NOT COPY!
Subject: Talking points for the mid-term election

Some of our Members have expressed concern that a couple of polls have suggested that our Party may lose our majority control of either the House or the Senate in November.  However, those polls were conducted by organizations that aren't totally supportive of our Party, so you should disregard them.

The truth is that thanks to our clever planning, and the help of our Media friends, our internal polls show we do not expect to lose more than three seats in the House.  This is far lower than the average number of seats lost by a president's Party in the midterms, and is a great tribute to the skill and experience of your Leaders.  

With the help of our Media allies, here are the talking points we'll start to stress beginning in July: 

• Russian invasion of Ukraine: This has been a huge boost to our Party because Americans always unite behind the president when war breaks out or is threatened.  Fighting is expected to end by July, at which point our Media friends will give all credit to the strong sanctions imposed by the President.  
• The Media will also increase their broadcasting of tragic stories about Ukrainian families who lost children from the invasion.  Our teams are already selecting the most emotionally-gripping families for filming.  We plan to make this the most important issue to most voters.
• Gas prices:  Our Media friends will continue to blame Putin, as our polls show Americans find this totally believable.  Also, our Media friends have repeatedly touted polls showing photogenic Americans saying they don't mind paying a little more for gasoline if it helps the poor Ukranians.  This will be a huge talking point, as our polls show it's a big winner.  They'll also be stressing that anyone who complains about high gas prices is a stooge of Putin, and totally selfish.
• Our polls show that any policy that claims to fight Global Warming is a big winner, so the Media will be pushing the fact that the Department of Transportation's order that average fleet fuel economy be increased from 28 mpg to 49 mpg by 2026 will cut CO2 emissions by trillions of tons, thus saving the planet.  Their stories will stress that Trump had lowered the mileage increases to about 1.5% per year, which as all good Americans know is not enough to stop Global Warming.  Memorize these figures and stress them in speeches back home.
• Our polls show that another sure winner is electric cars.  Our media friends have convinced most Americans that electric cars will save them money.  Last week the president said the average family would save $500 per month by driving an electric car.  While this wasn't quite accurate, our experience with the Affordable Care Act showed that voters will believe anything that claims to save them that much money.  The only remaining obstacle is high initial cost, so we've drafted a bill that will pay consumers $7,500 if they buy one.  Our polls show that offering voters free money will get them to support something even if it's not in their best interest.
• To further push voters to go electric, we have drafted an amendment to the National Defense Act to increase the federal gas tax from 18 cents per gallon to three dollars per gallon, on the grounds that this will cut our use of oil, and using less oil increases National Security.  Our polls show that claiming to increase national security resonates with most voters.
• Crime: Our Media friends will continue to push stories that jailing People of Color is morally wrong, and that people who commit crimes aren't bad people and deserve as many "second chances" as possible.
• Legalizing marijuana:  As you know, we've introduced a bill to do this nationwide, and expect it to pass within a couple of weeks.  Senator Schumer assures me it will pass the senate by June, and we expect this will be wildly popular with voters in our strongholds.  Also, because federal laws overrule state laws, this will force states with GOP majorities to accept legal weed.  As we all know, that's likely to produce more Democrat voters in those states.
• Overturning so-called "election reform" laws:  A handful of states have passed laws requiring voters to show photo ID to vote, and requiring actual "signature matching" between mail-in ballots and signatures on file when a voter registers.  Obviously we want to stop this, so our Media allies will be pushing lots of stories claiming this is "voter suppression" by racist Republicans.  The stories will stress how totally unfair it is to require voters to have to obtain a photo ID to vote, or to register a few weeks before an election, or to require signature matching.  Our polls show that when issues are couched in this form, voters agree with us.
• De-funding police: Our polls show this issue is tied for most voters, with many opposed to cutting police budgets because of fear of crime.  But our polls show that if we emphasize this as an issue of fairness and social-justice, and promising that every dollar cut from police budgets will be given to minority organizations, most voters support it.  So the Media will continue to not report crimes that occur out of their local area, to avoid fanning fear of higher crime.
• January 6th hearings:  This is one of our best issues.  Our Media allies have convinced most voters that Trump supporters storming the Capitol was an "insurrection," thus presumably planned and coordinated by Trump and "violent right-wing extremists."  The undercover FBI agents will testify by audio, with identities and faces hidden, and our GOP allies on the committee won't ask them any un-scripted questions.  The Media have agreed to cover the entire hearings, so we can expect a huge boost here.
• Polls:  In the three months before the November midterms our Media allies will report that polls are showing voter sentiment is tightening, and on election day they'll supposedly be showing a virtual tie.  Thus it won't surprise voters if we win scores of House seats by just a couple of thousand votes.

So don't believe any polls that predict a GOP win in November.  We have everything under control.

After you've read this, burn it.