Saturday, July 7

Last week before the House committee...

Last week Congress subpoenaed several top agents and division heads of the FBI seeking explanations for their emailed comments to other agents that appeared to be urging strong action with regard the seemingly unlikely possibility of Trump defeating Clinton.  Here's the transcript of the testimony (which was not open to the public):

Rep. Nunes:  Agent #1 [name redacted], this committee has received copies of approximately 500 email messages you sent to Agent [#2; nameredacted].  In one of those you wrote "We really need to sabotage this fascist."  What did you mean by that?

Agent #1:  I was speaking metaphorically.

Rep. Nunes:  I don't see any metaphorical possibility there.  Can you explain what metaphor you were using when you claim you were 'speaking metaphorically'?"

Agent #1: "It's been so long that I simply can't recall, Congressman."

Rep. Nunes:  Um...okay.  How about when you wrote "We need a plan to take him out"?

Agent #1:  I meant the FBI's top executives should invite him out for a drink.

Rep. Nunes: Do you really expect us to believe that?

Agent #1: Frankly, Congressman, we in the FBI don't care what you believe, since our friends on this committee won't support any penalties against any of us.

Rep. Nunes: "That's outrageous. How about when you wrote "We need to see if we can put a spy in his campaign"?

Agent #1:  That's just bureau shorthand for 'informant.  Keep in mind, Congressman, that the bureau was investigating the candidate's campaign for colluding with Russia.  That made this a counterintelligence matter, and use of informants is normal in counterintel investigations, as this one was.

Rep. Nunes:  How about when you wrote "We need to be sure all the surveillance cameras are disabled so no one accidentally sees our friends exchanging the stuffed ballot boxes for the real ones."?

Agent #1:  I categorically deny ever writing that.

Rep. Nunes:  But our own investigators recovered that email from the FBI's email servers, after Comey and current director Wray said the FBI's email system had mysteriously crashed, and that no emails could be recovered.  Are you claiming you never wrote it?

Agent #1:  Yes.  You claim the email says what you say, but can you prove what you claim to have recovered is accurate? 

Rep. Nunes:  What?

Agent #1:  If the recovery wasn't done by a certified FBI computer expert, no judge will accept your word against ours.  Because frankly, congressman, we run this country.  You dumbshits in congress are just window-dressing, to make dumb voters think the Constitution still governs this country.  What nonsense!

Rep. Jordan:  Mr. Chairman, I move that the witness be cited for contempt of Congress.

Agent #1:  You may want to reconsider that, Jim.   Because if you don't, you may see some of our friends who were on the wrestling team at Ohio State--where you were an assistant coach--telling the voters of Ohio that you ignored evidence that your wrestlers were being sexually molested.

Rep. Jordan:  WHAT?  That's both totally false and outrageous.  And if it happens, it will mean the FBI created the entire scheme.

Agent #1:  And your point is...?   Jim, haven't you learned by now that trivial details like "truth" don't mean shit to our friends in the media.  All they have to do is claim something happened, and you lose your re-election bid this November.  Because nothing outrages soccer-mom voters more than hearing that a congressman ignored their precious boys being molested.

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA):  Mr. Chairman, I move that our good friend from Ohio recuse himself from this committee until an investigation into whether he ignored the molesting of young, innocent college boys can be completed!

Rep. Jordan:  There IS NO investigation!  No one has even made such a claim!  The only indication that such a claim might be forthccoming in the future is what this lying asshole FBI agent just said!

Rep. Schiff:  Mr. Chairman, point of order.

Chairman Nunes:  The Chair recognizes the member from California.  What is your point of order?

Rep. Schiff:  My esteemed colleague from Ohio, Mr. Jordan, just called the witness a...uh, lying a-hole.  I believe House rule 395(c)5(a) says members are not allowed to call witnesses bad names.  And I believe the only remedy for this is to strike the witness' entire testimony.

Rep. Jordan:  That's outrageous!  Because we have a record of Agent #1 threatening to suborn false testimony against me unless I withdraw my motion to cite him for contempt!

Rep. Schiff:  I think the witness was merely speculating on a hypothetical event that might possibly happen in the future.

Rep. Jordan:  Hey, where did the witness go?

Unnamed staffer:  He and his FBI attorney left about five minutes ago. They said they'd had enough of this insulting questioning.

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA):  IMPEACH FODY-FI!

Chairman Nunes:  Maxine, you're not a member of this committee,  Can we get a Democrat staffer to escort Representative Waters out of the room, please?

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