As fewer Americans believe CO2 drives Global Warming, Dems switch to Plan B: Earthquakes!
WASHINGTON DC-- Speaking at a press conference Friday, House speaker Nancy Pelosi and senate minority leader Chuck Schumer announced the next planetary emergency the Democrats are gearing up to fight: Earthquakes.
The Democrat leaders then turned the microphone over to Dr. Jon Gruber, a professor at MIT who has a PhD in plate tectonics. Gruber said "Earthquakes kill thousands of people around the world each year, and cause tens of billions of dollars in damage. This is a crisis, and the Democrat party is the only party supporting our vital research to solve this problem."
Dr. Gruber explained that major earthquakes are caused by continent-size plates slowly grinding past each other, or one riding over another. He says his team of researchers has found that the higher number of quakes is being caused by higher CO2 in the atmosphere.
"The science is absolutely settled on this," he said. "Polls show that Americans have started to have doubts that CO2 causes Global Warming, but we're absolutely certain that higher CO2 causes lots more earthquakes. We surveyed all PhD's in the U.S, and 98 percent agree with us on this."
Speaker Pelosi added, "It's absolutely outrageous that Trump and senate Republicans have blocked every bill the Democrats have introduced to reduce earthquakes. These disassters separate children from their parents, just like Trump's concentration camps, and we simply can't allow heartless Republicans to continue to block our efforts to solve this life-threatening problem."
"In fact the reason we've opposed the wasteful, cruel, inhumane border wall the president has wanted to build is simply that we wanted to use those funds to start the first earthquake-prevention test projects. But we may find it's less expensive to simply ban all carbon-based fuels in the U.S."
When Speaker Pelosi was asked whether banning fossil fuels only in the U.S. would produce enough reduction in CO2 to stop the increase in earthquakes, she replied "We can only control is what happens in this country. But since Americans use more energy than anywhere else, it's only fair that we set the example. Besides, it's racist to ask countries like China to reduce their use of carbon fuels, since they have so many more people that they need more energy just to maintain a modest standard of living. You're not racist, are you? Good."
When the new leader of the Democrat party, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, was asked to comment, she seemed to not know about the new reports. "Are you sure they said CO2 causes earthquakes?" she asked. "I could have sworn it was Global Warming. But sure, earthquakes works too. In fact my team had been looking at this but we weren't quite ready to go with it yet."
"Seriously, earthquakes? I'll bet that [inaudible] deliberately didn't tell me she was gonna announce this!"
Dr. Gruber also said the increased number of earthquakes could be cause by "fracking," which he described as "an incredibly dangerous technique designed to damage the Earth."
Senator Schumer added that the District Attorney for Manhattan had found evidence in Trump's state income tax returns showing that he'd financed research into fracking years ago. "It's just one more reason that we need to defeat Donald Trump in 2020," he said.
"Oh, and it's also the reason rats were forced to take refuge in Baltimore."
The Democrat leaders then turned the microphone over to Dr. Jon Gruber, a professor at MIT who has a PhD in plate tectonics. Gruber said "Earthquakes kill thousands of people around the world each year, and cause tens of billions of dollars in damage. This is a crisis, and the Democrat party is the only party supporting our vital research to solve this problem."
Dr. Gruber explained that major earthquakes are caused by continent-size plates slowly grinding past each other, or one riding over another. He says his team of researchers has found that the higher number of quakes is being caused by higher CO2 in the atmosphere.
"The science is absolutely settled on this," he said. "Polls show that Americans have started to have doubts that CO2 causes Global Warming, but we're absolutely certain that higher CO2 causes lots more earthquakes. We surveyed all PhD's in the U.S, and 98 percent agree with us on this."
Speaker Pelosi added, "It's absolutely outrageous that Trump and senate Republicans have blocked every bill the Democrats have introduced to reduce earthquakes. These disassters separate children from their parents, just like Trump's concentration camps, and we simply can't allow heartless Republicans to continue to block our efforts to solve this life-threatening problem."
"In fact the reason we've opposed the wasteful, cruel, inhumane border wall the president has wanted to build is simply that we wanted to use those funds to start the first earthquake-prevention test projects. But we may find it's less expensive to simply ban all carbon-based fuels in the U.S."
When Speaker Pelosi was asked whether banning fossil fuels only in the U.S. would produce enough reduction in CO2 to stop the increase in earthquakes, she replied "We can only control is what happens in this country. But since Americans use more energy than anywhere else, it's only fair that we set the example. Besides, it's racist to ask countries like China to reduce their use of carbon fuels, since they have so many more people that they need more energy just to maintain a modest standard of living. You're not racist, are you? Good."
When the new leader of the Democrat party, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, was asked to comment, she seemed to not know about the new reports. "Are you sure they said CO2 causes earthquakes?" she asked. "I could have sworn it was Global Warming. But sure, earthquakes works too. In fact my team had been looking at this but we weren't quite ready to go with it yet."
"Seriously, earthquakes? I'll bet that [inaudible] deliberately didn't tell me she was gonna announce this!"
Dr. Gruber also said the increased number of earthquakes could be cause by "fracking," which he described as "an incredibly dangerous technique designed to damage the Earth."
Senator Schumer added that the District Attorney for Manhattan had found evidence in Trump's state income tax returns showing that he'd financed research into fracking years ago. "It's just one more reason that we need to defeat Donald Trump in 2020," he said.
"Oh, and it's also the reason rats were forced to take refuge in Baltimore."
posted by SF at
10:54 AM
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