Dateline 2017: State Department plans to release Clinton emails "really soon"

Washington D.C, May 30, 2017--Today a spokesperson for the State Department announced that the first batch of emails turned over to State by president Hillary Clinton is scheduled for release "really, really soon now."  The emails have been undergoing a through review by security and legal experts in the State Department to ensure that nothing to be released contains anything that would embarrass a foreign government.

Another big concern is that no one anywhere wants to release any email that could be considered as containing personal information about the president.  For example, one email contained 678 words of Mrs. Clinton discussing whether anything should be done to provide military forces to help defend the consular annex in Benghazi, but also included a very warm personal greeting from Mrs. Clinton to the recipient.  Judge Winston Smith ruled that this greeting was unquestionably personal, and thus the email shouldn't be released.

One critic noted that while President Clinton was campaigning for the office she indignantly stated on several occasions that "I'd prefer it if State released those emails all at once," and asked why, now that she was president, she didn't simply end the suspense and order State to release the emails.

The president replied that while this would certainly be the best way to proceed, "Ours is a nation of laws, and no matter how much I personally believe all the emails should be released immediately, it would do great harm to our nation of laws if I were to try to influence independent branches of the government to shortcut the legal process."

"It's extremely important that our young people--both documented and undocumented--learn the importance of following our laws.  Except of course if they're undocumented, in which case they can stay as long as they like, become citizens and receive all the benefits available from our compassionate Democrat government."