The presidential speech we'd love to hear

Commenter jdhawk wrote most of the following (some changes mine). Damn fine stuff, jd.

"Wouldn't it be great to hear a U.S. president give the following speech:
My fellow Americans: As you know, the defeat of Saddam Hussein's Iraq regime has been completed--and with it, our mission in Iraq is finished.

Recently we withdrew the last of our combat forces. We had planned to leave several thousand advisors in that country to help them make a smooth transition to full Iraqi responsibility and management, as we know they will be threatened and then tested by radical Islamic forces. However, I have decided that there's no point in delaying the inevitable sink-or-swim moment.

Accordingly, this morning I have ordered the complete withdrawal of all American forces--including advisors--from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days and is estimated to save us a billion dollars per year. The money saved will reduce the huge U.S. deficit.

It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me are two lists. The first bears the names of countries that have stood by our side during this conflict. It's a short list: The U.K. , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia and Poland are some of the countries listed there. A few other nations helped the war effort covertly and are also on this list.

The second list contains every nation that's not on the first list. Effective immediately, the U.S. will give no more foreign aid--in any form-- to any nation on this list. The money saved during the first year alone will cover a big portion of our costs of the Iraqi war.

Three years of this policy will recoup all our financial costs. Then each year after that the savings will reduce our deficit.

As long as my party has the presidency, the United States will no longer pour money into third world hell-holes and watch it be stolen by corrupt politicians.

Need help with a famine? Being devastated by an epidemic? Call France or Russia or China.

With the Soviet Union having collapsed some years ago, I have also ordered the immediate removal of all U.S. forces from Germany and Japan. We sincerely thank both nations and your people for your help in preventing any attack during the entire Cold War, and for your hospitality. We look forward to working with you to solve future problems should that become appropriate.

My advisors say this will save $50 billion per year. This savings will reduce our huge annual deficit.

Because Europe now appears to be safe from Soviet aggression--and because in any event the EU is are now as economically capable as we are--I have ordered U.S. forces to begin pulling out of NATO. This is estimated to save another $40 billion per year. This saving will reduce our huge annual deficit.

On this deficit thing: Both New York city and Washington DC are home to thousands of vehicles belonging to other nations' ambassadors to the U.N. or the U.S. Many of these countries have a longstanding tradition of parking illegally, then using "diplomatic immunity" to ignore all the tickets.

I would never allow our ambassadors in foreign countries to do such a thing, and would fire any American caught doing it. So I have finally decided to level the playing field.

Accordingly, I have informed the mayors of New York City and Washington that if they find a UN or foreign diplomatic vehicle with more than three unpaid parking tickets, they are authorized to impound these vehicle. Their owners have the choice of paying all valid parking tickets within 30 days or their cars will be sold to the highest bidder. The U.S. government will divide the proceeds evenly with the respective cities.

If this program works well, I intend to expand it to other cities that have similar problems.

A short word to the government of Mexico: Your contemptuous behavior--including your refusal to clean up the drug operations going on on your side of our long and undefended border--has been duly noted. We have been a good and peaceful neighbor and a lucrative trading partner for a century or so. That can change quickly.

Its president and his entire corrupt government seem to need an attitude adjustment. This can be arranged. Accordingly, I have ordered that the U.S. troops now in Germany and Japan be redeployed to the Mexican border.

My predecessor in this office deployed 1,200 National Guard troops to the border--and would not let them carry loaded weapons. Not surprisingly, this had no effect. Accordingly we'll see if deploying 120,000 fully-armed troops will change the game.

Oh, and I have ordered that every vehicle that comes across the border be inspected, both for contraband cargo and occupants who don't have visas. We realize this will cause long delays for traffic trying to enter the U.S., and that as a result, the number of Americans taking casual shopping trips to Mexico will probably drop by 95 percent or so. This will reduce the U.S. trade deficit by roughly $3 billion per year.

It's as good a reminder as any that actions have consequences. You wipe out the drug gangs on your side, and we'll see about easing the border. But not before.

For nearly a century the U.S. has tried to help folks around the world live better. What we've gotten from too many nations in return has been contempt and scorn and treachery. It's long past time that we started looking out for the welfare of our country and its own citizens.

Finally, to the nations who have stood by us--sometimes at the cost of internal strife: Thank you, guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.