August 13, 2022

The new "CO2 Reduction From Construction Act"

From: Speaker Pelosi

To:  Members of our Party

Subject: "CO2 Reduction from Construction Act"

Building on our Party's fabulous win with the "Inflation Reduction Act," which will spend $400 billion on fighting Global Warming, we want to take advantage of our momentum to pass another critical bill that we know will win lots of votes in November.

Until about 80 years ago ditches were dug by hand, but for the last 80 years or so ditches have been dug with machines, powered by gasoline or diesel.  But both these produce the dread greenhouse gas carbon dioxide, which Science tells us is killing the planet.  And all experts and Scientists agree that the Science is settled.  There is no need to discuss the Science any further.

So to save the Earth's climate we have to stop producing CO2.  Voters tell us that is their top priority--along with diversity, equity, inclusion, open borders, free daycare and a guaranteed income.  So our next bill will make it illegal to use of carbon-fueled machines to dig ditches.  

Companies needing ditches will be required to use either electric-powered machines, or pay $25/hour to have workers dig those ditches in the time-honored way.  After all, it worked for the ancient Egyptians, who built the pyramids without raising the temperature of the Earth even a fraction of a degree.  That's Science!

Of course some of your constituents may claim outlawing carbon-fueled machines to dig ditches and foundations and oil wells will make those projects far more expensive.  Our focus groups say the best response is saying "Can we really put a price on saving the entire planet?"  Another response that tests well is "So, you want to kill all life on Earth just to save a few dollars?"

We expect to introduce this as soon as we return from the August recess, and to pass it by the end of September.  We expect this will be a sure vote-getter for all of you in November.
 

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