Breaking news from Washington

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After much speculation, Hillary Clinton has announced that she will seek re-election as president of the United States.

Pundits at MSNBC, CNN and ABC had wondered for months whether Clinton would seek re-election or step aside to allow a like-minded Democrat to take the nomination.

"After much deliberation, consultation and prayer to Moloch I have decided that I will seek a second term," she said to a crowd gathered at a local Wendy's restaurant. "I haven't accomplished everything I wanted to in my first term so I really need a full eight years to solve America's remaining problems."

H/T The Babylon Bee