Mainstream media: The economy is BOOMING!!

Hey, did ya hear the great news, citizen?  The economy is BOOMING!  Absolutely rocketing!

And if you don't believe it, just ask your emperor's minions.  They'll set you straight in a flash!  For example, you may have heard that in the first quarter of this year the economy (as measured by GDP) grew by a whopping 0.2 percent.   SEE???  It's growing!

Now, you may think you read or heard that an annual growth rate of, say, 2.5% was absolutely horrible way back when G.W. Bush was president, but that's just a figment of your imagination, citizen!  Those alleged growth rates never existed.  Never.  Your memory is just playing tricks on you, citizen. 

Growth rates that high would cause all sorts of inequalities and dislocations.  So you never actually saw a headline in the NY Times (peace be upon them) or the WaPo claiming those growth rates existed, or anyone saying they were lousy.  It's all in your mind.  Got it?

So back to the current good news:  The economy is GROWING!!  Yes, that's right!  And after all, we wouldn't want it to grow too fast, right?  Because that would mean making more of that terrible pollutant called "carbon dioxide," and we all know that the science is settled that CO2 is making our planet frighteningly hot, right?  Plus it would mean you consumers would be hogging more than your fair share of the world's precious natural resources!  Which means you'd have to feel even more guilty than you already do.

And of course, that 0.2 percent growth in GDP was just an estimated figure that will be revised any minute now, so we'll see that the economy is really doing even BETTER than you thought!  In fact, the revision has just come out this minute, and it's...

Uh...this can't be right.  It says GDP actually *fell* in the first quarter.  By seven-tenths of a percent.  Well that can't be right--because the economy is BOOMING!  Every right-thinking American knows this is true, so...you don't want to be the only one marching in the wrong direction, do you?  You want to be a team player, right?  You want to support your president and his wonderful, brilliant economic policies, right?  Of course you do!

And really, if you think about it, this insignificant easing of GDP--yes, that's the proper term--is a good thing.  Because it means we're not polluting the planet as much with that nasty CO2.  Just like higher meat prices are good because they mean you consumers won't be eating as much harmful meat.  See, this is all going perfectly according to Our Leader's plan.

Also, if you look at the link you'll see that this slight easing was perfectly understandable: It was caused by an unusually cold winter!  There was so much snow that very few people could get out to shop.  So see, the slightly less aggressive growth rate wasn't due to our Dear Leader's policies being flawed at all!

What?  No, Science isn't sure why there was so much snow when the planet is suffering under major global warming.  And you can be sure global warming is still happening, so you still need to stop driving and flying so much.  And you should support a tax on carbon, and a thing called "carbon credits."

What?  No, if you don't already know what carbon credits are I don't have time to explain them to you.  You probably wouldn't understand anyway, unless you went to a really exclusive university, like our Dear Leader.  It takes nuance.  And you clearly aren't nuanced enough.

And of course, this tiny revision will almost certainly be re-revised next month--almost certainly upward.

But you can be sure that whatever it says will be absolutely perfect.  Trust us.  We're your American media and we're smarter than you are.