Female VP of beer brand hires tranny "influencer;" sales plummet; Woke CEO issues word salad

A huge beer company--once Amercan-owned but sold to a European firm a decade ago--sold a so-so beer called Budweiser.  Then when the "light beer" craze hit, they took away most of the flavor and alcohol and produced "Bud Light."  And through either mass psychosis or the miracle of billions of dollars of advertising, blanketing every sports broadcast, Bud Light became the top-selling beer in the U.S.

Yeah, I know: crazy beyond belief.  But then again, half of Americans say they support Democrats too, so we can't be surprised by other stupid shit.

Anyway: eager to signal his woke virtue, one of the "wokie" execs running Anheuser-Busch decided to promote a goofy, crazy female Hahvahd grad to VP of marketing for Bud Light.  This nutter immediately released vids calling the brand "fratty" (?) and saying it used "kind of out-of-touch humor."  She didn't give an example, and I have no idea what she meant.  Perhaps some "reporter" will as for an example.

Hahahahahahahaha!  I crack myself up sometimes!  No reporter DARES to question a female VP about ANYTHING, cuz that'll get your ass fired!  And they all know it.  Wheeee!  Sacred cows, eh?

SO, duh sacred cow sayeth "Sure, we've had ten percent market share for decades, but now we need a new approach to sell this low-end beer.  So because I am a woe-mun and graduated from Hahvahd, and I automatically make great decisions!  So I've decided what we'll do:  See, until now Bud Light has been marketed to "fratty", out-of-touch-humor guys who work construction or plumbing or power lines or yucky ol' drilling rigs.  So basically hopelessly un-woke deplorables.  

"As all the woke folks know, that's a dwindling market.  Almost no one builds stuff in America anymore.  Why would you, when you can make money so effortlessly in crypto, or selling pot, or giving speeches on 'Diversity, Inclusion and Equity,' eh?  The growing market is ...wait for it...trannies!  I mean, look at the hip media: trannies are *everywhere,* every day.  

"So to connect with that faaaabulous market, my underlings have found a tranny who is SO precious!  She's been to the White House!  She loves Taylor Swift, and bubble baths, and she's just adorable!  So I've hired her for a mere $1.5 mill to be our new face.  And I expect a million-dollar bonus for my brilliance!"

New hire for Bud Light, tranny "influencer" Dylan Mulvaney

And sales skyrocketed, just as the wokie female Hahvahd grad predicted.  And it became a textbook case in MBA courses.

Hahahahahahahaha!  Not quite.  But it IS a textbook case of...something:  of "wokie" execs drinking the D-I-E Kool-aid and doing exactly what their wokie teachers taught 'em.  See, this marketing genius didn't appoint herself VP of marketing, eh?

For the slow-witted, the answer is...um...think hard now:  No.  Males--males praying at the altar of Wokeness--promoted her to that post.  Insiders say she didn't run her "faaabulous" plan by anyone else (though I find it hard to believe that even this obviously nutso female would be THAT crazy).  That may just be an attempt by the wokie men to distance themselves from the decision.

Now: Democrats and communists have perfected the "fake apology."  When they're caught dead-to-rights doing something either illegal, outrageous or insulting, they issue a statement along the lines of "For years I've [insert list of achievements having nothing to do with the current issue].  I'm sorry if anyone was offended by [my attempt at humor, or my throwing paint on a statue of Thomas Jefferson, or my having gay sex with your teenager, or whatever].  There's no actual apology, but the Left bleats, in perfect unison, "He's apologized, so you must move on!" 

So while the VPs bold marketing idea may yet be really successful, right now it's looking a bit...goofy.  Bars all over the country are refusing to re-stock the brand.  So the CEO of the American sub--a wokie named Brendan Whitworth--issued a statement that the Lying Mainstream Media are calling "a heartfelt apology."  See if you can find a single mea-culpa in the CEO's word cloud below:

As the CEO of a company founded in America’s heartland more than 165 years ago, I am responsible for ensuring every consumer feels proud of the beer we brew.

No relevance whatsoever to the current controversy.  Filler, designed to show he's reeealy sincere.

We’re honored to be part of the fabric of this country. Anheuser-Busch employs more than 18,000 people and our independent distributors employ an additional 47,000 valued colleagues. We have thousands of partners, millions of fans and a proud history supporting our communities, military, first responders, sports fans and hard-working Americans everywhere.

More filler.  No relevance to the issue at hand.  "We love Mom and apple pie, and cute li'l puppies and kittycats!"  Faabulous!   But irrelevant.

We never intended to be part of a discussion that divides people. We are in the business of bringing people together over a beer.

Ah, finally: "We never intended..."  Translation:  "Sorry if you were offended.  This just shows you're un-cool, deplorable, raaaacist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, sinophobic and gynophobic.  So if you were offended, it's obviously your fault."

My time serving this country taught me the importance of accountability and the values upon which America was founded: freedom, hard work and respect for one another. As CEO of Anheuser-Busch, I am focused on building and protecting our remarkable history and heritage.

Yet again, no relevance to the current disastrous decision by...um...gosh, we have no idea who made the decision to hire the "female" spokesperson.  We male execs sure as hell aren't gonna complain that the decision was made by a female, cuz we WAY too smaht to do dat.  We've seen what happens to CEOs who don't kiss wokie ass:  they get fired.  Yes, even CEOs.  So we done got duh message.

I care deeply about this country, this company, our brands and our partners. I spend much of my time traveling across America, listening to and learning from our customers, distributors and others.

More "boilerplate."  "I care..deeply.  I spend huge amounts of time traveling across this great country, NOT talking, but *listening to and learning from our customers.*  You betcha, sparky!  So either I knew about this astonishing dumb decision, and said nothing (cuz I didn't wanna cross duh wokiez), or else she really didn't tell us--but in which case I can't fire her or tell the truth--that she made this dumb decision by herself--cuz that will get me fired for blaming the crazy female.  Geez, there's no way out of this shit!  

"Wait, I got it!  I'll write a word salad about how much I care about this country, and how much we like to...um...bring people together to discuss important topics over a beer.  No, wait, that's too risky.  Ah:  'We want to bring people together over a beer.'  Yeh, dat's it!  Who could object to that, eh?"

Moving forward, I will continue to work tirelessly to bring great beers to consumers across our nation.

"But I won't blame the dumb-ass who hired the tranny, cuz doing that would show either that no one higher than the VP pays attention, or that we're so dumb that we promoted a crazy woman to a position of power."

Meanwhile, watching this unfold, and realizing that "wokie" bullshit has done exactly the same thing to the U.S. military as it's done to every corporation, the Chinese are already picking out ocean-view lots in Taiwan.  No one with an IQ over 80 thinks Porridgebrain will lift a finger to defend Taiwan, nor does anyone believe the weakened, "woke" U.S. military could keep the ChiComs from taking Taiwan.

Hey, I hear a few Taylor Swift tickets are still available!

Source.