Babylon Bee: New CDC study shows that people who believe crazy conspiracy theories don't get myocarditis!

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Monday CDC Director Rochelle Walensky spoke at a press briefing, saying a new study has found that people who believe goofy conspiracy theories seem to be immune to a once-rare heart condition called myocarditis.

According to the CDC's findings, people described by the CDC director as "total nutjobs" appear to be immune to the formerly rare heart condition.  The authors of the study were baffled as to how a belief could give people immunity from a life-threatening medical condition.

"We've never seen anything like this before," she said.  "Some of our experts thought this might be related to Covid-19, but we couldn't figure out how. When the pandemic hit we quickly discovered everything about the virus, and ordered common- sense health guidelines like wearing masks and staying six feet apart, and there's absolutely no doubt that those guidelines saved millions of lives.

"Cases of myocarditis didn't start appearing until around March of last year.  Just by accident one of our surveys asked whether respondents believed conspiracy theories, and found this bizarre correlation in which belief in crazy conspiracy theories seems to protect people from getting myocarditis.  But we can't determine how that could happen."

When a reporter asked Walensky if myocarditis could be caused by the Covid vaccine the director said "Absolutely not.  We know the vaccine is totally safe and effective," she said. 

According to sources, the only theory advanced so far to try to explain the effect is that "conspiracy nuts"--people who believe absurd things like the story about a laptop supposedly abandoned by Hunter Biden--may have also declined to take the safe, effective vaccines because they had the crazy idea that they might have adverse effects.

But this theory was quickly dismissed because there is no evidence that the vaccines pose any risk to health, and the government would never claim the vaccines being safe and effective if it wasn't true.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation's top infectious disease expert, blasted the new CDC study.

"Let's look at the facts," said Fauci. "Conspiracy theorists believe the moon landing was fake, and that JFK was shot by a turtle wearing a hamster suit. So obviously the vaccines are safe and effective. They literally annihilate the virus and prevent vaccinated people from getting Covid or spreading it to anyone."

We tried to contact Dr. Fauci to ask some follow up questions, but at press time he was unavailable, having been diagnosed with COVID-19 for the second time.

The NIH would not say whether Fauci had been vaccinated or boosted.

H/T The Babylon Bee.  Hit the link to read these other great hits:
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