Update from the Dem National Committee, re: The Plan
From: Tom @ DNC
To: Our great Media friends
Subject: You're doing a great job!
Our thanks to all of you who've worked so hard helping us with our plan to win the White House in November. You're doing a fantastic job, and polls show our party will sweep the table this fall!
As I outlined to you earlier, we all knew it would be hard to win if the economy stayed strong, so our first job was to hope something would crash the economy. The virus seems to have done that, but even better is that our people have now had great success putting the blame on Trump and his people for not being prepared for the outbreak.
Our first move was that when Trump halted all flights to the U.S. from China, Senator Schumer called that move racist and xenophobic. Articles by our friends echoed that, accusing Trump of over-reacting and causing Americans to panic. Then two weeks later we shifted to "He should have done more, and sooner!" Some of you thought that might be too soon after the charge of "over-reacting" but I'm happy to say my instinct was correct, that Americans can't remember things even for a week.
We've also been extremely pleased with your creativity in finding "experts" who've solemnly predicted that millions of Americans will die from the virus. We thought the limits of credibility had been reached when someone predicted two million deaths by July 4th, but MSNBC outdid everyone by finding a doc who predicted up to 20% of all Americans could die. Wow! Great job!
Our thanks to our good friends who wrote and broadcast those pieces. You know who you are, and we want you to know that the future Biden administration greatly appreciates your fine work.
Our polling and focus groups show that the longer everything stays closed, the angrier voters are getting. In fact the anger may be more effective than fear of the virus in getting people to vote Democrat this fall.
Next, at live press conferences our reporter friends asked questions like "When can you guarantee that your administration will have enough ventilators to guarantee one for every American?" This was brilliant, and our thanks to those of you who thought up that one. We love ya!
I'd also like to thank our friends for suppressing virtually all stories that the price of gasoline has fallen to barely over $1.75 per gallon. If not for your fine work, many Americans would have viewed this as good news for consumers. Also, we'd like to coordinate so that most of your outlets will publish or broadcast stories on "Misery in oil-producing states as hundreds of thousands lose their jobs" for around mid-August. We'll get back to you with the exact date later.
Of course we can't thank you enough for spiking stories about the huge "campaign contribution" our friends in Ukraine made to our wonderful nominee, Joe Biden. For a week or so there, it seemed as if Tucker Carlson was about to convince congress to investigate, but I'm glad to report that our friends in congress have killed this proposal. And huge thanks to our friend in the California divorce court for arranging for all details of the financial settlement reached in Hunter's paternity case to be sealed. That's great work.
That's all for now. As always, please don't make any copies of this, and burn it after reading. We had a close call a couple of weeks ago when one of our allies didn't burn their copy but threw it in the trash, where a deplorable found it. Fortunately we were able to convince the deplorable that the update letter was the draft of a satire from the Babylon Bee. Obviously the rube was too dumb to realize this was nonsense, so we skated.
Sincerely,
[name redacted]
To: Our great Media friends
Subject: You're doing a great job!
Our thanks to all of you who've worked so hard helping us with our plan to win the White House in November. You're doing a fantastic job, and polls show our party will sweep the table this fall!
As I outlined to you earlier, we all knew it would be hard to win if the economy stayed strong, so our first job was to hope something would crash the economy. The virus seems to have done that, but even better is that our people have now had great success putting the blame on Trump and his people for not being prepared for the outbreak.
Our first move was that when Trump halted all flights to the U.S. from China, Senator Schumer called that move racist and xenophobic. Articles by our friends echoed that, accusing Trump of over-reacting and causing Americans to panic. Then two weeks later we shifted to "He should have done more, and sooner!" Some of you thought that might be too soon after the charge of "over-reacting" but I'm happy to say my instinct was correct, that Americans can't remember things even for a week.
We've also been extremely pleased with your creativity in finding "experts" who've solemnly predicted that millions of Americans will die from the virus. We thought the limits of credibility had been reached when someone predicted two million deaths by July 4th, but MSNBC outdid everyone by finding a doc who predicted up to 20% of all Americans could die. Wow! Great job!
Our thanks to our good friends who wrote and broadcast those pieces. You know who you are, and we want you to know that the future Biden administration greatly appreciates your fine work.
Our polling and focus groups show that the longer everything stays closed, the angrier voters are getting. In fact the anger may be more effective than fear of the virus in getting people to vote Democrat this fall.
Next, at live press conferences our reporter friends asked questions like "When can you guarantee that your administration will have enough ventilators to guarantee one for every American?" This was brilliant, and our thanks to those of you who thought up that one. We love ya!
I'd also like to thank our friends for suppressing virtually all stories that the price of gasoline has fallen to barely over $1.75 per gallon. If not for your fine work, many Americans would have viewed this as good news for consumers. Also, we'd like to coordinate so that most of your outlets will publish or broadcast stories on "Misery in oil-producing states as hundreds of thousands lose their jobs" for around mid-August. We'll get back to you with the exact date later.
Of course we can't thank you enough for spiking stories about the huge "campaign contribution" our friends in Ukraine made to our wonderful nominee, Joe Biden. For a week or so there, it seemed as if Tucker Carlson was about to convince congress to investigate, but I'm glad to report that our friends in congress have killed this proposal. And huge thanks to our friend in the California divorce court for arranging for all details of the financial settlement reached in Hunter's paternity case to be sealed. That's great work.
That's all for now. As always, please don't make any copies of this, and burn it after reading. We had a close call a couple of weeks ago when one of our allies didn't burn their copy but threw it in the trash, where a deplorable found it. Fortunately we were able to convince the deplorable that the update letter was the draft of a satire from the Babylon Bee. Obviously the rube was too dumb to realize this was nonsense, so we skated.
Sincerely,
[name redacted]
posted by SF at
1:35 PM
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