FBI attorney Lisa Page suing DOJ, claiming she owns her incriminating texts and...um...

If you're a hard-working American you may not recognize the name "Lisa Page."

Page was an FBI attorney, working for the Deputy Director of the FBI--Andy McCabe--from February 2016 to January 2018.

Lisa was having an extramarital affair with another FBI agent, Peter Strzok.  Because the two illicit lovers worried that their spouses might learn of their affair, they cleverly didn't use their personal cell phones to send plotting texts to each other.  Oh no, citizen--the two top-level FBI employees were far too clever to do something so stupid.

Instead the pair exchanged their texts with each other using...wait for it...their official government phones.

See, much smahtah!  Cuz the two exchanged well over TEN-THOUSAND texts. 

These would never have been discovered...except someone tipped investigators that the FBI had bought an absurdly expensive system to save all text messages. 

Investigators directed the FBI to produce all the text messages between the two top-level employees.

Amazingly, the top directors of the FBI reported back, "Sorry, we couldn't find a SINGLE text, cuz in an amazing coincidence our gold-plated system, intended to save every single text message sent or received on official FBI cell phones, seems to have stopped working."

"And in another amazing coincidence, it stopped working just a week before the period you've requested."

INVESTIGATORS: "Uh...is it working now?"

FBI:  "Oh yes, certainly."

INVESTIGATORS: "When did you discover it had stopped working?

FBI:  "Uh...we didn't know it had stopped until you asked us to produce the texts."

INVESTIGATORS: "My, that's...convenient.  So when did you call the contractor to have it fixed?"

FBI: "Uh...we didn't call the contractor?"

INVESTIGATORS: "You didn't call...?  Why didn't you call the contractor?"

FBI: "Well this may seem...unusual...but the system just started working again, all by itself."

INVESTIGATORS: "And when did it start working again?

FBI: "Uh...about a week after the end of the time period you demanded the texts from."

But wait, citizen, cuz amazingly there's more!  Congressional investigators found a computer expert, and gave him authority to search the FBI's text-saving system.  And you will NEVER believe this, citizen, but...it took the guy an hour to recover the TEN-THOUSAND text messages!

That's right, citizen, the text-saving system had been working as designed all along.  The text messages were there all along!  Gosh, if that's true, why couldn't the FBI find 'em?

No one has asked the FBI computer experts.  My guess is that many of 'em would say they never heard about any demand to retrieve the text messages, but that some agent no one recognized came to their office, ordered them out and spent an hour screwing around with no witnesses.  Hmmm....

But wait, citizen:  There's still more! 

Lisa Page has now SUED the Justice Department!  And for what, you may ask.  Why, for releasing her text messages--including this surely meaningless exchange:
   LP:  "He'll never be president, will he? "
   Peter Strzok:  "No, he won't.  We'll stop him.  And in the worst case, we have an insurance policy."

Now the Mainstream Media has decided voters can be convinced that Lisa is actually a victim--a sympathetic figure who'd been unfairly treated by the Horowitz report.  So Lisa just appeared on Rachel Madcow's propaganda show, where she claimed

• I dindoo nuffin wrong.  The DOJ wuz mean to me by releasing my texts.  I want money!
• Even though the texts were sent via official FBI phones, the FBI has no right to them.  They're my property, just like texts sent on company phones are the private property of the user, not the company, right?
• When Peter texted me "He'll never be president" he was merely expressing his personal opinion, exercising his cherished rights under our beloved First Amendment, which the FBI unselfishly defends.
• By "We'll stop him" from being elected, he didn't mean the FBI would stop him, but simply meant "We the People," meaning the voters--well, the ones who aren't stupid.
• And by "insurance policy" Petey just meant that if that orange dictator managed to steal the election--undoubtedly due to Russian collusion--we could easily impeach him because we had a videotape of Trump giving our nuclear secrets to Putin! 
• It's not legal for a president to ask a foreign government to investigate one of his rivals for corruption.  By contrast, it's perfectly fine for a candidate, like Hilliary Clinton, to pay a firm to pay a foreign agent to fabricate stuff about a Republican, cuz, well, it's obvious, isn't it?