ELECT US, you ordinary, deplorable, unenlightened rubes!
The country NEEDS us to
And you can trust us. After all, have I ever lied to you? I may have said "I can't recall" a few hundred times but that was always about trivial things that happened a long time ago and so didn't make any impression, like...um...some town in Libya. Ben-something.
I mean, what difference does any of that make, right? I mean, some knuckle-dragger makes a video that makes The Religion of Peace look bad and you can't blame them for being mad, right?
Actually it doesn't matter whether you vote for us or not, because we've already got this election in the bag. Doesn't matter if a thousand precincts show twice as many votes cast as registered voters, cuz once they're counted no federal agency will undo it. Hahahahahaha! Stupid rubes!