Tuesday, June 17

Amazing news about first-quarter economic growth! You didn't know?

Well it looks like Obama's finally found just the right magic to make the economy do what he wants.  I mean, after that stunning first-quarter GDP growth, it looks like the future is in front of us again.

Uh, you did hear every analyst and pundit and talking head raving about the 1Q GDP growth, didn't you?

Geez, dude, 500 channels, plus the Net, and you people have no idea how much the economy grew in the first quarter?  That's...amazing.  Cuz, you know, that news was just about everywhere for the first two weeks of June.  Where were you people, Siberia?

Oh wait, that's right:  For some strange reason the GDP figure got virtually no air-play.  But why would that be, if it was such good news?  You'd think the pro-Obama media--which is to say, all of the media--would be shouting this good news on every corner.

The news was especially surprising because the initial report was off by over a full percent.  Wow!

Of course I suspect most of you have figured out by now why you heard nothing about how the economy did in the first quarter:  The economy didn't grow.  Not at all. 

In fact, the first report--which said the economy grew by an anemic one-tenth of one percent--ended up being  revised...downward.  The final figures showed the economy actually shrank by one percent.

When was the last time the U.S. economy contracted?

But don't worry, citizen:  CNN's in-house propagandist, Annalyn Kurtz, put the news in perspective with the headline

"U.S. economy shrinks, but it's not a big deal."

Well there ya go, Sparky. If you thought a shrinking economy was somehow bad, Annalyn has great news for ya:  "It's not a big deal."

And in case "not a big deal" wasn't reassuring enough, she adds
"A slump was entirely expected, and economists aren't too worried. They forecast a bounce back in the spring."
Wow, I am just SO relieved!  Cuz for a moment there I thought a shrinking economy was really reeeeally bad news!  And did you hear her say they're forecasting a bounce in the spring?  That is so fabulous!  I'll just tell my bank to expect my mortgage payments to resume "in the spring."  My family can mow lawns or something til then.  In fact my family has learned how to make 8 ounces of cheese last for a whole week!

But of course the economic contraction is actually fairly understandable, what with fighting two wars for all these years, and... What?  You say the last U.S. troops left Iraq two and a half years ago?  Um...well....Okay, I guess the shrink must be because the economy took such big hit when those planes that flew themselves into those surplus buildings in New York in September of '11. 

That was when it happened, right?  9/11?  So it's understandable that it'd take the economy more than three years to recover.

You say it was 2001, not 2011?  Are you sure?  Then why do they call it "9/ll"?  Oh well, I'm sure that whatever caused the economy to shrink wasn't our president's fault.  Cuz he's soooo smart.  And has all these cool friends.  Did you know he even won the Nobel peace prize after being president for just three weeks?  Now that is some major cool, eh? 

Okay, leaving the sarcasm for now:  Imagine how many tragic stories about struggling Americans we'd be reading and watching if the economy had contracted when a Republican was president.  But with Emperor Barack on the throne, suddenly the media is far more interested in Game of Thrones or anything except the economy.

Brown-nosing scum, all of 'em except Sheryl Atkisson.

Couple of final notes:  First, for those of you who were getting ready to send me money, I have a delightful job, thanks.  And second:  If your memory of 9/11 is hazy, think about this:  Kids entering college this year were five or six years old when it happened.  But don't worry that they won't know about it, because the public schools have ensured that their graduates know about the atrocity.

Uh-huh.  I'm pretty sure all they know from school is that George Bush and the Rethuglicans used the "event" as an excuse to invade Iraq.  So we could steal their oil, right?


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