The new, improved Constitution--as rewritten by Dems

Liberals and so-called "progressives" don't seem to have much good to say about this country. In fact, they seem to delight in doing things that virtually everyone else would immediately recognize as harmful to our nation.

A bit of thought suggests that they simply don't like many of the provisions of our Constitution. So herewith, a new Constitution of the United States of America, as re-written by liberal Democrats and "progressives:"


I. Every person in the United States has the right to an equal share of the nation's wealth (defined as the total production of all persons and corporations in the country). And "every person" includes citizens of other countries who may suddenly find themselves here without documents. This is only fair, because the idea of citizenship in just one nation is so last-century.

II. You are entitled to this equal share even if you choose not to work--because equality and fairness are two of the most important things to Democrats.

III. This Constitution is a "living document." This means its meaning is always changing. Change is good. Why would anyone want to be tied to the stodgy, fixed ideas of White males who died 200 years ago? We Dems are really big on Change.

IV. Because it's always changing, the actual legal effect of this Constitution at any given time cannot be determined simply from the words it contains--since those are obviously fixed. Instead, the meaning at any given time will be determined by the Democratic party, through its duly elected members of congress, and Democrat-appointed judges.

V. All citizens are encouraged to work and pay their taxes. Of course it hardly needs to be said that anyone who actually gets rich from hard work will be required to pay a much higher percentage of their income than people who don't work, or who work just enough to get by. This policy is obviously good because all wealth is amassed through theft. Plus it's just not fair that some people choose to work harder than others. And as we noted, Democrats are really committed to the idea of fairness.

VI. As long as you keep voting for Democratic control of Congress, we'll continue to cut taxes for the poorest 80% of Americans. If you already don't pay any federal income tax, you'll get a big fat check. To pay for both these things, we'll raise taxes on the rich, since they're only rich because they're white and had rich parents. Remember, Democrats are all about fairness.

VII. Everyone knows that war is bad. We Democrats have always said war is never the answer to anything. So in order to reduce war in the world, we hereby promise that the U.S. will never again go to war, for any reason. Accordingly, why in the world would we need a huge military? So we will cut the Pentagon's budget by ten percent every year, and use the savings to hire more public-school teachers.

VIII. Capitalism is bad. Corporations are beyond bad--in fact we'd call corporations evil except progressives aren't really comfortable with that whole notion of "good and evil." Accordingly, we promise to strip corporations of all rights. When we're done with 'em, the only thing a corporation will be able to do is pay taxes. And create well-paying, dignified jobs for every American who wants one.

IX. All sexes are now equal, in every respect. Because the terms "miss" and "ma'am" carry an implication of a woman's marital status and are therefore potentially offensive to women, from now on those terms shall be illegal. Instead all people will be addressed simply as "citizen." This will also end the hurtful practice in some states of calling dislocated travellers who may not have all their documentation "illegal immigrants."

X. All rights not explicitly granted to the states or to the People in this document are reserved to the Federal government.

XI. A well-regulated Army now being unnecessary, and guns being responsible for the death of so many innocent people, the possession of firearms by anyone except bona fide law enforcement officers or government agents is prohibited.

XII. Everyone knows that totally free speech can often be hurtful. This is particularly true in political races. Accordingly, all advertisements, bumper stickers, editorials, blog posts and "other communications, whether print or electronic" must be approved by the Federal Election Committee before publication or dissemination. Republicans or conservatives submitting any political ads for approval are advised to allow at least six months for the Committee to approve or disapprove your submission. So plan accordingly.

XIII. All members of Congress are hereby exempted from compliance with any law passed by Congress. (We've been running things that way for decades anyway but were starting to hear some complaints, so we thought we'd put it right in the Constitution.)