Researchers discover new treatment for "schizo-affective disorder"

New York City (AP)-- Experts at Columbia University have announced their research has discovered a way to treat "schizoid-affective disorder," the condition formerly known as schizophrenia.  Patients afflicted with this 'condition' report hearing voices in their head, which often order them to cut the throat of someone near them.

Of course enlightened judges realize the person with the condition must not be allowed to stand trial because of "impairment," so the person is allowed to go free, on the condition that he or she or xe or xir takes medication to reduce the voices.

Formerly, psychiatrists worked to convince patients that the voices in their head were hallucinations, not real, and so should be ignored.  But the new research by the Columbia team claims patients report feeling much happier when doctors tell them just the opposite: that the voices they "hear" are actually real, coming from a higher astral plane, and that the patient should do what the voices tell them.

When one science-denying fake journalist from a right-wing organization asked the  researchers how their new "treatment" would reduce the number of murders committed by schizophrenics, they admitted it probably wouldn't decrease the number of murders by their patients, but that the patients will be happier.  And after all, isn't that what matters?

Former president Biden's head of mental health, Richard "Rachel" Levine, was enthusiastic about the new study, saying it should win a Nobel prize.  "After all," said Levine, "this is how our society responds to people who were assigned the wrong gender at birth, and later realize this and change genders.  This works perfectly, except that a few stubborn deplorables refuse to agree that the people really are women--or men, if it's the other way 'round.  

Levine continued, "Democrats need to pass a law making it a hate crime to call a person with male genetalia and XY chromosomes a man.  Oh wait, advanced, enlightened, Democrat-ruled states already have!"

Lawmakers in New York, California, Washington state, Illinois and Oregon are considering bills that would make this the new "standard of care," meaning doctors could be sued or jailed for failing to "affirm" to patients that the voices they hear are real.  "After all," said one lawmaker, "the most important thing is to affirm that what the patient believes is true, is true.  That's been confirmed by our experiences with transgender teens: society must affirm whatever they think is true, or else they'll be unhappy."