A brief history of duh CDC, FDA and the virus

January 29th, 2020:  First confirmed case of duh Chyna virus in the U.S.

February 15th, 2020:  President Trump halts all flights from China.

February 16th, 2020:  Candidate Joe Biden and Democrats accuse Trump of xenophobia for halting flights from China.

March 1, 2020:  Candidate Biden and Democrats accuse Trump of not taking strong enough action to counter the virus.

March 20th, 2020:  Democrat governors order their citizens locked down and small businesses closed. ("Big-box" chains are allowed to remain open, because Science.)

March 25th, 2020:  Dr. Anthony Fauci recommends every American wear a mask at all times.

March 28th, 2020:  Fauci emails a friend who asked about masks, tells her "they don't help, so don't worry about not wearing one."

Dec 2020:  CDC and FDA: "The vaccines are totally safe, and will prevent you from getting or transmitting covid.  And if we can get 60% of people vaccinated we'll achieve 'herd immunity.'"

April 2021 [Twatter and Fakebook]:  "Claims that the totally safe vaccines can cause injuries, or that they don't prevent you from being infected with the virus, are disinformation, and anyone who makes such claims on our platforms will have their account deleted.  We're committed to only letting readers see information that's true.  And of course we and our partners will decide what's true."

May, 2021:  "The VAERS system was set up to log all injuries that could possibly be attributed to a vaccine.  It shows very few injuries.  Moreover, there's no way to know if those injuries were caused by the vaccine.  So it's all just anecdotal.  We said it's safe, so trust the system."

June 2021: "We've gotten a handful of anecdotal reports that a few people who have been vaccinated have been diagnosed with covid.  This has not yet been confirmed by the CDC or FDA.  In any case, it's well known that vaccine immunity decreases with time, so be sure to get your "booster."  In fact we suggested you get boosted earlier, but some of you didn't listen, so it's probably your fault.  But be assured that all the vaccines are perfectly safe.  And all we need to do to achieve 'herd immunity' is get 70% of Americans to take the vaccine."

July 2021:  "My administration will NEVER order Americans to take the vaccine!  Perish the thought!  Instead the Labor Department issued a new 'rule' today that all companies with 100 or more employees must fire any employee who refuses to take the vaccine.  But note that my administration is still NOT ordering voters to take the vaccine!  We would NEVER do that!  You have a choice.  If you don't need your job, you're free to decline the totally safe vaccine.  Besides, we're almost at the 80% vaxxed level to reach 'herd immunity.'

    "And for those who are complaining that the Patient Privacy Act doesn't allow your employer to force you to prove you've been vaccinated, my Department of Justice says it does.  So shut up."

August 2021: "Reports to the VAERS system are voluntary and are neither confirmed nor investigated by your trusted FDA or CDC.  Thus figures you may see on VAERS should not be considered reliable.  You are instructed that the vaccines are totally safe and very effective, and anything that contradicts either of those things is disinformation.  Anyone repeating disinformation may be fired or jailed."

August 19th, 2021: "You may have heard a rumor that the CDC is changing the definition of a "vaccine," and "immunization."  These are just rumors, spread by right-wing extremists to make people question our leadership."

August 26th, 2021:  "In our continuous efforts to streamline language to make it easier to understand, the CDC has decided that the definitions of a "vaccine" and "immunization" were too confusing to users of our website, so we've made the definitions simpler.  The old definition of a vaccine was something that made you 'insuseptible' to a disease.  Our careful research shows that many Americans weren't familiar with that term, so we changed it to "something that stimulates your immune system."  Much better.  And basically the same thing.  Same for immunnization:  The old definition was "something that makes you unable to get a disease."  That was too...limiting, so we changed it to "something that makes you less likely to get a disease."  Again, it's basically the same thing.  Really.  Trust us."

October 2021:  "Remember, you're not fully immunized unless you've had a booster and one more shot.  Of course everyone knows no vaccine is perfect, but you can be assured that after you've been fully vaccinated--four shots--you can only get a very mild case of covid.  Without the vaccine it would be much worse.  Probably."

December 2021:  "Some small-town newspapers have reported a few cases of deaths in people who were claimed to be young athletes with no known medical conditions.  We at the FDA and CDC cannot confirm these stories, and consider them unconfirmed.  And since the CDC is charged with identifying life-threatening conditions, if such deaths actually occurred in several young athletes with no known prior medical problems, we'd definitely investigate those claims.  And since we haven't investigated a single such alleged death, do you think they actually happened?
   Also there have been no reports that any that anyone experiencing a sudden death had taken the vaccine--which we assure you is perfectly safe.  We have advised all newspapers and television stations that asking the family about their child's vaccine status would violate the "Patient Privacy Act."  

April 2022: "Some small-town newspapers have reported a few cases of young athletes with no known medical conditions dying suddenly.  We at the CDC and FDA want to assure Americans that every year a few young, healthy people have died suddenly, for no known reason.  Any deaths are within the range of normal rates that have always happened.  So it's nothing to be alarmed about.  And it has nothing to do with the vaccine.  In fact no report of such a death has ever said whether the deceased was vaxxed.  So let us reassure you that this is normal--at least within one or two standard deviations.
    If you don't know what that means, it's part of a "standard normal distribution," which has the word "normal" in it.  Feel free to google it."

June 17th, 2022: "Because the covid vaccines have been proven so totally safe, we at the CDC and FDA have authorized them for children as young as six months old.  And to make it easier for parents we're arranging for the covid vax to be combined with other routine vaccinations that every child must have to attend school.  We haven't decided which shots to combine the covid vaccine with yet, but don't worry about it, because it's perfectly safe.  And effective.

July 2022:  "There has been a scary increase in covid cases this month, which experts claim is due to the ten percent of deplorable anti-vaxxers who have stubbornly refused to take the totally safe, effective vaccine.  And the booster.  And the second booster.  We haven't settled on a name for this variant yet, but it looks really scary, so we're recommending that all states go to all-mail voting for November.