biden's state of the union address, summarized

• Now that I've defeated the virus (because I ordered everyone to take the jab or be fired), next we'll find a cure for cancer.
• The economy's doing great!  The media all say it's the best in our nation's history!
• A few extremists claim inflation is bad, but that's really caused by high gas prices, which happened because of that Ukraine thing.  All the experts agree that prices really aren't going up any faster than usual.  And the rise has nothing at all to do with my canceling a pipeline or oil leases--actions I took to fight Global Warming.
  
• When I took office, no other nation respected the U.S., but thanks to my leadership, all other nations finally respect us;
• My threats to impost tough economic sanctions on Putin if he invaded had Putin ready to back away from Ukraine.  But then Republicans sabotaged that by refusing to vote for tougher measures, which signalled to Putin that he could get away with invading;
• China is our friend, not our enemy.  We should support them.  Since Taiwan is actually a province of China, we shouldn't be concerned if China decides to exert its ownership; remember, China is our friend.
• Crime is falling in every U.S. city, so we can probably shift millions of dollars from police budgets to building more public housing or something.
• We need to enforce our borders.  I've been trying to do that for over a year now, but the Republicans keep blocking my executive orders.
• As I've said for years, we need to re-fund the police--not to arrest drug dealers or muggers, cuz that disparately impacts people of color--but to fight the surge in hate crimes by white supremacist extremists, like those truck drivers.
• Republicans tell you that illegal drugs are coming across our borders.  That's only because the previous president refused to finish the border wall, despite the Democrat party begging him to do so.  Democrats are all for strong borders.  You need to pressure Republicans to vote for more money, which my capable Vice-President, uh...the lady from...the woman I brilliantly chose to be my VP, will give to Mexico and Central America to get those governments to keep their people from coming to the U.S.
• We need to devote more money to fighting Global Warming.  My team is preparing a plan to get every American to buy an electric car, since those don't produce any greenhouse gas.  And the batteries are made by our friends in China, so we know they'll be high quality, will last a long time and will be completely recyclable.
• One of the most important jobs a president has is to nominate people to the Supreme Court.  My choice for the upcoming vacancy is one of the most qualified black women in DC.  She has an entire YEAR of experience on the court of appeals, and before that only a few of her decisions were reversed by higher courts.  So I feel confident that she'll be a great liberal voice, in the tradition of Sonia Sotomayor and...and that other woman on the court.  Plus, no one will ever reverse her decisions since no court is higher than the Supreme one.
  

 nothing but world peace, let's do it for Beau!