Memo from Speaker Pelosi to Democrat representatives

From: Speaker Pelosi                                                 October 18, 2021

To: All Dem members of the House:

"For party members only.  Eyes only--Do not copy any part of this memo."

1. Right-wing extremists are claiming inflation is increasing.  This is false--there is no unusual inflation.  None.  But IF inflation were to increase, oppressed Americans of Color who depend on EBT cards will exhaust the balance on those cards before the end of the month.  Our party's governors have said they won't have the funds to increase EBT benefits.  And since we're pushing so hard to pass our $3.5 trillion "infrastructure bill" some members have said it will be hard to vote to increase EBT funding to our Democrat-run states.  
   Fortunately your leaders have a plan to solve this: We propose to have one of our agencies--probably the Sec of Agriculture--set a maximum price on the things our supporters buy most.  We'll set this price ceiling at current prices.  Then merchants who want to sell those items to EBT card holders won't be able to sell above the official ceiling price.
   Of course merchants will be free to charge any price they like to citizens who don't use EBT cards.  Our legal staff assures me this is perfectly legal.

2.  You may have heard stories that some workers are quitting rather than getting vaccinated.  Some members of our party believed forcing Americans to take the vaccine or be fired might cost us support, but actually this was a brilliant move by your leadership.  When a few right-wing troublemakers began refusing to take the perfectly safe vaccine, our friends in the media pushed stories we wrote, saying the refusers were selfish and were endangering the lives of good citizens who had gotten vaccinated.  Now our focus groups show that most Americans believe this, so it looks like it will actually win more votes for us in 2022.  So in your speeches to voters, continue to describe refusers as anti-American and selfish.  It's working.  A particularly effective phrase is "They're trying to kill your kids."  Use it as often as possible.
    Some Members have said they're concerned that if a quarter of all police, firefighters, nurses and commercial airline pilots quit, voters will somehow blame the Administration.  However, our focus groups show we can persuade voters that any inconvenience, like cancelled flights or police failing to respond to calls or some such, is actually Trump's fault.  We'll get our media friends to blame the refusers, because surveys show they're almost all Republicans.  So we'll actually gain support from any inconvenience.

3. People chanting F___ Joe Biden:  We thought our media friends would ignore this but once some stupid right-wing station in Idaho ran with it, and right-wing extremists on the internet posted videos.  Of course our friends at the networks ignored it without any input from me, but some of the media jumped on.  But don't worry, it's all under control now:  Now that the novelty has worn off, even the small stations have stopped showing the videos, and we're working with our friends in Social Media to delete any videos.  So problem solved.

4. Some members say their constituents were a bit miffed when they learned about the provision in our "infrastructure bill" to require banks to give the IRS info on all accounts that have transactions over $600, or total deposits over $600 in a single month.  We're still investigating who leaked this plan but we're pretty sure it was right-wing extremists working for Trump.  In any case, don't worry:  The $600 figure was deliberately intended as a negotiating ploy.  When our opponents complain, our reconciliation team will graciously allow the Republicans to push the figure to twice the amount we first proposed.  They'll agree, and our side will end up looking very reasonable.  Then next year, after voters are used to the idea, we can take it back to $600.

5. Immigration:  This was a problem for about three weeks as right-wing news outlets kept showing video of some poor immigrant refugees camped under a bridge in some town on the southern border.  But our party has solved the problem of unsettling videos, as DHS contract flights have moved everyone who was under the bridge to red states far from the border.  With no one left under the bridge, there's nothing to film, so as far as voters are concerned, there's no problem.  Also our supporters are happy that we helped all those poor refugees become American citizens.

In conclusion:  Everything our party is doing is winning.  Under our leadership we're going from one victory to another.  Our opponents are always off-balance, continually confused by our brilliant policies.  Not only will we not lose seats in the mid-terms, our internal polling suggests we'll actually increase our majority, further cementing our control.