CNN has a weather warning: We're all gonna DIE! And you know who to blame?

 CNN, Jan 20, 2026-- A terrible winter storm is set to lash the eastern half of the United States with damaging ice and heavy snow this week, fed by a brutal blast of Arctic air that will hit minorities hardest.

The Weather Prediction Service said the storm "would produce brutal swaths of heavy snow, sleet and treacherous freezing rain all over the east half of the U.S.  The horrible snow, sleet and freezing rain could stretch more than 1,000 miles from Oklahoma and northern Texas to North Carolina and Virginia.

A spokespyrsyn for the union representing employees of the National Weather Service said "We've been trying to warn the public for a week now but we're still understaffed after the cruel government shutdown caused by the awful Rethuglicans.  The only pyrsyn who had the password to unlock the official computer used to alert the nation still hasn't come back from the shutdown, so we were forced to make do with last-century methods, like telephones."

"We tried to warn Orange Hitler but he was too busy trying to invade Greenland and didn't take our frantic calls.  So if any American dies from this terrible storm, you know who to blame!"

"One thing certain: Brutal cold is on the way for millions.  We tried to warn the nation about this deadly cold, but everyone thought we were kidding--mumbled something about 'Global Worming.'  We don't understand why they don't believe us!