Civil Rights Division of DOJ has a plan to force the end of the boycott of Bud Light!

From:  Shriganalti Paffrinigali
Head of Civil Rights Division, Department of Justice,
To: Our Media friends

I want to give you the first look at our new campaign so you can have all your stories ready to go the day we announce it.

We've all seen the dangerous right-wing extremists congratulating themselves on their success in boycotting Bud Light after our friend Alissa Heinerschied's faabulous idea of partnering with that lovely real woman Dylan Mulvaney to market Anheuser's flagship brand. 

Here's a typical comment to a story:

Americans are fed up with the woke agenda.  The powers that censor our internet blog comments and social media can't keep us from choosing what we buy. The decision by Bud Light to praise trannies was the last straw.  We've finally found a way to fight back!

Obviously we can't let conservatives get away with this hateful, transphobic, civil-rights-denying action.  So the Civil Rights Division has devised a great plan to stop the boycott:  The president is ready to issue an Executive Order requiring that any beer that doesn't have a 100% ESG rating from our office will be taxed $2 per can.

My office will issue a rule that beer makers will only be able to get the required ESG rating from our office is by showing their support for the Administration's transgender policies, by hiring transgender women like Dylan to represent their product.

With this brilliant plan we expect all beer makers will partner with our faabulous transgender supporters, since any that refuse will be forced to pay the aforementioned tax, roughly tripling the price per can.  

Since we expect all beer makers will partner with transgenders to avoid tripling the cost of their product, there won't be any reason for conservatives to single out Bud Light and continue their boycott.

We trust you'll have all your stories ready for our review by the 15th.