Head of "Health and Human Services" sets the record straight

Transcript of press conference by the head of the Department of Health and Human Services, the Honorable Xavier Becerra:

Becerra:  "As the head of HHS I can assure you that the vaccines are perfectly safe, and are working exactly as intended.  Thanks to the hard work of the Biden/Harris administration in helping to correct misinformation and overcome 'vaccine hesitancy' among a few dumb, anti-Science Americans, I'm proud to tell you that the survival rate for those infected with this totally-natural virus has now reached 99.7 percent."

Reporter: "Um... wasn't the survival rate 99.7 percent before people began getting the vaccines?"

Becerra:  "I'm not aware that my agency has any official records showing that number.  Of course everyone knows that anti-Science people constantly post misinformation and right-wing conspiracy theories on the Internet.  It's why we need to have a government agency that would screen everything anyone wants to post on the Internet, and not allow any misinformation to be posted.

Reporter #2:  "Do you have a breakdown on how many cases of covid are among fully-vaccinated people--called 'breakthrough cases'-- versus unvaxed?  Same question for deaths due to the virus."

Becerra:  "Today virtually every new case is in those who haven't been vaccinated.  As your president said, this is now a pandemic of the unvaccinated, so there ya go."

Reporter #3:  "But that's not what hospitals are reporting.  They're saying 75% of all new cases are in people who have been fully vaccinated.  Are you saying that's wrong?"

Becerra: "Uh...um...I...I'm not aware that HHS has any official records showing that number.  Of course everyone knows that unvaccinated people falsely claim they've been vaccinated so they won't be fired or put on unpaid leave, so that probably accounts for the reports you may have seen.  Besides, even in the astronomically unlikely case that a fully-vaccinated person were to be infected by Covid-19, they never die from it, because the vaccine makes that unpossible."

Reporter#2:  "Wait, are you saying there are no deaths among people who have been fully vaccinated?  Didn't former Secretary of State Colin Powell, who said he was fully vaccinated, just die of Covid?

Becerra:  "It's possible General Powell was mistaken about being fully vaccinated.  Also, I'm not aware that my agency has any official records about the general, because it's against federal law for doctors and hospitals to share personal medical history of Americans with any government agency.  Cuz this administration is really big on privacy.  Also, my agency has no official record of the cause of his death, but news reports are that it was cancer, so there ya go.  In any case we're sure it wasn't Covid-19."

Reporter #3:  "If you don't have his medical records how can you be sure his death wasn't caused by Covid-19?"

Becerra:  "Because you people reported that it wasn't the cause.  Also, he'd been fully vaccinated.  And as everyone knows, the vaccine prevents anyone who's fully vaccinated from dying from Covid.  Geez, are you people dense or something?  We've told you the vaccine works, so stop being difficult and do your job!"

Reporter #1:  "Wait, last week the former director of the CDC said 75% of the Covid cases in Maryland were in people who'd been fully vaccinated.  Are you saying he lied?"

Becerra:  "Um...uh...I... Well as you said he's the former director.  The president replaced him with the brilliant Rochelle Walensky months ago, and after that he would no longer have access to any official government records, right?  And I'm not aware of any official government records confirming what you say said.  And if there are no official government records, how can you know some wild claim is true, eh?  It's like attorney-general Garland said yesterday, if the head of a government agency isn't aware of any official records, how can you be sure it really happened?" 

===

For the terminally gullible--all Democrats--yes, the above is satire.