CDC reverses position from two weeks ago--now the new rule is...

 

ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has updated its guidelines and announced that Americans will no longer have to wear a lifejacket outside. The guidelines demanding the wearing of lifejackets outside were put in place last year during a particularly rainy March, and although many experts claimed we would only have to wear lifejackets outdoors for a couple of weeks, the mandate has remained in place for well over a year.

But finally even hardcore pro-lifejacket agencies like the CDC have admitted it's safe to take off the lifejackets and go back to our normal lives.

"Unfortunately the rainy season is just about over," said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. "Experts on global warming had predicted the rains would last forever, but we've finally decided you no longer have to wear a life jacket when going outside.  However, the new guidance only applies if you've taken swimming lessons at an approved swim lesson site and have the certificate to prove it."

"But we will remain on guard, and lifejackets may become a seasonal thing you'll have to wear from October through April to stay safe."

Despite the CDC's relaxing the mandate, many liberals announced they would continue to wear life jackets until the chance of drowning in a sudden flash flood hit 0%.

"This is way too soon," said Krissy Mackinaw of Austin, Texas as she watched people walk by without lifejackets. "Look at these anti-science neanderthals walking around!"  Her state of Texas removed the life jacket mandate several months ago, causing many experts to predict there would soon be a massive spike in drownings, but those predictions of doom didn't come true. "You science-deniers are all gonna die!" she screamed at passersby as she put on a snorkel.

Source: The Babylon Bee

https://babylonbee.com/news/cdc-says-you-no-longer-have-to-wear-a-life-jacket-outside-in-case-of-rain