A new take on the rodeo-clown incident

A guy named Matt Walsh wrote the following (I've edited it slightly):

Dear President Obama,

I’m reaching out to you as a friend. I know you must be hurting after what happened at the Missouri State Fair.  You probably try to avoid watching the news while you’re on vacation but the military pilot who flew your dog to your rented mansion on Martha’s Vineyard probably got you up to speed.  That guy is such a chatterbox.

Your jaw must have hit the floor when you heard the news: A rodeo clown in Missouri poked fun at you. Yeah, I know, almost impossible to believe. The gall! The racism!  But don’t worry, the entire country erupted in outrage, with Democrats and Republicans alike issuing statements of condemnation. And now the offender has been banned from the Missouri State Fair--for life.  There will likely be “action taken” against the Missouri Rodeo Clown Association, and I hope justice is visited upon them swiftly. I think we’re all a little sick of the Missouri Rodeo Clown Association causing trouble. It’s something new every week with those freakin’ guys.

But all this is little consolation. The fact is, a rodeo clown in Missouri made fun of you. Nothing can ever ease the pain of that. This sort of crass lampooning of public officials has never happened at a rodeo until now.  I know that because a bunch of people who have never been within 150 miles of a rodeo said so. And then — worse still — the crowd erupted in applause as a guy wearing a mask of your noble face was chased by a rampaging bull. Racists, the lot of ‘em!

I mean, Bush never got this sort of treatment. Nobody ever mocked or satirized him. No crude jokes were told about him. Nobody ever wished violence or death upon him, ever. You know why? Because he’s white. White presidents always get treated nicely, especially white Republicans. Just ask Lincoln. The whole country agreed for over two centuries that we won’t insult presidents, then you get into office and all of a sudden every day is Pick on the President Day. Outrageous!

Besides, you're due some respect. You’ve earned it. You’ve done nothing but serve these people and make their lives better, and this is how they treat you?  I’m especially sick of these punks in the middle class who won’t stop complaining about you. What’s their issue?  OK, unemployment is still high, median household incomes have dropped, fewer businesses are opening, the number of people in poverty has increased while the number of good full-time jobs has decreased--all as taxes are increasing and Obamacare looms, threatening to strangle small business owners and put thousands more out of work. 

But so what? I’ve got two words:  Food stamps. You’ve made this “work” crap obsolete by increasing food stamp "entitlements" more than any president ever in history, adding more than 11 thousand Americans a day!  You’ve got millions of Americans relying on the government for rent, cable, phone, even birth control. I guess this bad-economy stuff would be a bummer if not for all the delicious welfare. Who needs an economy anymore? We’ve got you, baby.

So how could anyone be upset at you, or laugh at the mockery in Missouri? What’s wrong with these rednecks? Are they still sore about you sending the IRS to harass and hinder your political opponents before the last election?  Or the spying on the phone records of every American?  Maybe your arming and funding Islamic Militants overseas and then orchestrating a coverup when a bunch of them murdered your ambassador?

Are folks STILL mad that you funneled weapons to drug cartels and then threatened whistleblowers into silence? Or is it about your Justice Department spying on and attempting to prosecute journalists? Is it the unpopular 2,000-page health care law you've changed twice since it passed? The regulation that forces religious employers to provide abortion-inducing drug insurance to their employees? The millions of tax dollars you’ve given to the abortion industry?  The blessings you wished upon a group of wealthy abortionists? The bailouts? The green energy scams? The massive expansion of government? The corruption? The attacks on our fundamental liberties?

I can’t imagine why anyone would get too worked up about any of that.  You've assured us that stuff didn’t happen. Or if it did, it’s not a big deal. I think your advisors coined the term "phony scandals," which is great.  I just know that you treat anyone who raises any of these concerns with utter contempt and disregard, which clearly shows that they must be wrong.

If you were actually guilty of these things, all Americans would giggle with glee at the sight of your likeness being chased by an angry bull.  But since you're not, I’d like to apologize for the entire state of Missouri and for everyone in the rodeo clown community. 

I think Matt may have a future as a writer--at least until the NSA discovers where he's hiding.